John: Something is not making sense to me. Yesterday, while waiting for a new pair of eyeglasses to get finished, I was killing time in a Barnes and Noble. I wandered over to the new releases/self-help section.

What floored me was the amount of titles with curse words in the name. The trendsetter that I am aware of is Mark Manson whose crystal-clear, tell-it-like-is negative self-help advice is the envy of many. But others, with the **** in the title, feel like copycats. I am sure the work is sound, but it doesn’t feel fresh or new. I am beginning to wonder if any of the advice offered is either fresh or new.

For example, we are all programmed to be winners at this game we call life, but what makes us winners is how we choose to play. If you believe that you are never meant to feel love, and you seek out partners who are out of reach and validate this, and then you go back and say, “you see, told you so,” then didn’t you just take a theory you believe in, carry it out and prove it was right? I think you did. so, you just won.

You can apply it to relationships, finances, work, whatever. The concept is still the same. The key? Stop doing whatever it is you were doing to get you those results to get you different ones. back to the relationship analogy. If you know that something you will do will upset the person you are with, and that something will cause this person to leave, to validate your pre-conceived belief, don’t do that.

Do something else. That way, that person will not leave. Okay, well they might, down the line, but in that particular case, they won’t.

It is a mindset shift to do something different. You are walking to the mailbox and see a man walking a pit bull down the street. Say “Hi, how are you today?” He might say, “great, I hope you are having a good day and also great.” Because that happens.

Basically, it must really come down to this – do something different to get different results. That makes total sense. What doesn’t is if this is true, why don’t more people just do that?

Sandy: Lots of good points John.

I’ve noticed that people don’t change how they function because most of us create a routine/habit that we become familiar with, and then it becomes comfortable to the point that we just do it without thinking.  Once we have the habit, we’ve created a comfort zone around it, and it’s easier to keep doing it than to take the risk of changing.

Even with things that aren’t fun and don’t feel good, many people tend to stay with it because, in a weird way the familiar negative situation feels safer than the discomfort of trying something new.  At least with the current situation you know what to expect.  With new behavior you might fear loss of control or looking foolish, so you choose to stay stuck and often miserable.

I remember back when I was counseling women who were in abusive relationships, many would finally get rid of one abuser, just to eventually hook up with another person who also treated them poorly.

One told me that when she was with a person who treated her well, she was really uncomfortable because she didn’t trust it and didn’t know how to deal with it.  At least in an abusive relationship she knew what to expect and how to deal with it.  She stayed with the bad situation she knew how to deal with, rather than learning how to deal with something better but new.

Of course, whatever happens to you, good or bad, it’s a result of your decisions and choices.  If you don’t like where you are, do something differently.

It might be just changing your attitude about it, but if you’re willing to experience temporary discomfort, it will make all the difference.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience. 

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